A conversation I find myself having with many clients, friends, and myself is about the decisions we make around schedules vs no schedule, co-sleeping vs sleeping separetly, and how all these decisions impact our children as they get older.  So what do you do?  We receive a huge range of opinions and advice from various friends, family members, books and websites.  What’s the right answer?  If we respond to a crying toddler every time they make a sound are we spoiling them?  If we sleep with our babies are we setting them up for sleep issues in the future? If we let children cry it out are we damaging them? if we respond to them crying are we damaging them?

Baby Bear at 3 days old!

So here are my thoughts:

First – despite the sleep deprevation, the various ideas we have coming at us from every angle, and our worries about the future I really feel the most important thing we can do (or try to do) is be present – think about the now and how you feel in your gut.  Every mother is different, every baby is different, and every mother and baby’s relationship is slightly different! So there is no recipe.   There is no “right” answer to any of these questions except the right answer for you and your baby’s unique needs and wants.  If you feel instintctually that one way or another is better for your baby, then listen to that.  Try not to worry about the future and what you are setting up for you and your child because if you are acting from a place of love you are doing the best thing you can.  Which leads to my second point…

Secondly – be aware of your own needs.  You may have certain beliefs, and sometimes they collide with your own sanity!  What I mean by this is: you may believe that you should let your baby cry it out, you’ve been told this is what they have to do, and you believe it – you may find that you really feel terrible hearing them cry for X amount of time, and it’s actually affecting your stress levels.  If you find that your stress is higher, you’re not taking care of your needs.  On the other hand – you may believe that co-sleeping is the way to go, you may believe in rocking your baby to sleep etc., and you may find that your stress levels are affected because you personally aren’t getting enough sleep.  This is where the balancing act comes in with checking in with your intuitive sense of what to do, and also recognizing your own needs.

My personal experience (thus far) – I thought I would co-sleep with my son indefinitely, I thought I would nurse him until he was 2, and I thought many other things before I began parenting!  I co-slept with my son until he was 9 months old (or there abouts).  I loved it most of the time, and then towards the end I found that he was nursing frequently in the night, rolling around and kicking me accidentally in his sleep, and overall I was not getting an appropriate amount of sleep for my own needs.   I was a single mother living alone, and I thought this would make the perfect situation for my son to decide on his own when to leave my bed, but in the end I decided I needed my space and my sleep, and I moved him into his own bed.  Despite what I’d dreamed of while pregnant with him, I decided that it was time for him to sleep on his own, and at 15 months I decided I was finished nursing.

Nursing

I weaned my son, and wondered if I was doing the right thing – but I had to listen to my body, and I was exhausted!  I hear of some babies weaning themselves before a year – and I think if I’d let my son self-wean if would have been 3 or 4 years.  I admire people that nurse their children until they themselves are ready – it requires a lot of energy to keep producing the milk, and it also requires self sacrifice of allowing your child access to your body.  Don’t get me wrong – I can’t WAIT to nurse the baby currently in my belly, I have many fond memories of nursing my son, and at times still miss those moments.  I just reached a point where it wasn’t enjoyable for me anymore, and it was something I wanted to end while it was still positive before resenting it!  I had moments when my son was 2 where I wondered if I’d made the right decision, I questioned the choices I’d been making along the way, but now he is 4 and I feel good about how secure, confident, and well adjusted he is.

Baby bear carrying his Cabbage Patch Kid in a sling

It gives me confidence to take each moment as it comes, to listen to my baby, to listen to my heart, and to trust that if I act from a place of love for my child & myself all will be well.

What I’m taking from my last experience with a baby into this one is to be more relaxed about it all!  If I could share one thing with new / first time moms (and what I will be re-reading here in the difficult moments) is that all you can do is your best, and that IS enough!  Love your baby, love yourself, and all will be well.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it (goodness knows I did!  11pm calls to my best friend / dad when I had to change the bedding for the 3rd time after baby bear puked / pooped on everything & he STILL wasn’t sleepy), try to take the pieces of advice (from the many people that offer it) that ring true for you and ignore the rest, and above all remember time changes all!  If it seems like your baby will never sleep through the night, know that this is temporary.  If you’re struggling to get the latch right or master nursing while lying down – know that it won’t be long before that is a distant memory.  If your baby has a couple of fussy days, don’t worry – soon he / she will be cooing, smiling, and melting your heart once again.

Loving and taking care of yourself enables you to be the best mother.   Regardless of where you choose to have your baby sleep, how you choose to feed your baby, whether you wear your baby or push him in a stroller, when you choose to leave your baby with a friend or family member for a break: love is really all our babies need to grow into their loving selves.  Enjoy yourself, and enjoy them!  Happy mothering!