When I was pregnant with my first child I had a great friend approach me “I’d like to have a talk with you before you have your baby.”  I agreed to go out for dinner with her and have a “talk”.  I didn’t know what she was going to say, but I felt like it was serious!

This friend is one who gets straight to the point.  We were waiting for our food and she said “Now Emily.  You are having a baby, and that is wonderful and exciting!  It’s also really hard.  You are going to have days where you don’t want to do it, you are going to have days where you feel like you can’t handle it, you are going to have days where you want time to yourself – time away from your baby.  This is all normal, and ok.” My friend continued on to tell me that if I need to get away and be on my own or do my own thing for a couple of hours…or even a couple of days – that’s ok.  That it would be easy to beat myself up about it, and to feel guilty about it, but that there was no point, and no need.  Every mother feels this.  I had no idea what a gift she was giving me.

I listened to my friend.  I took it to heart, but honestly I didn’t fully understand it.  I thought ‘sure, I’m going to need time on my own..ok..that’s ok’.  I now have 3 children, and the oldest is 5 yrs old.  I have played her words over in my head from the time that my oldest was a baby, through until now.  I continue to hear her strong voice telling me it’s ok to need time to myself – this is normal and ok!  This brief conversation has helped me tremendously over the years – she enabled me to forgive myself.

We cannot prepare ourselves entirely for parenthood.  No one can explain the overwhelming joys and love we feel, nor the guilt we take on having set high standards for ourselves.  We cannot prepare ourselves for the feeling that we are getting lost in our children – again, this feeling is one of joy as we lose ourselves in their world view at times, and a feeling of guilt or frustration when we realize ‘I don’t even know what makes me feel good anymore’.  We become so focused on caring for our children and providing the best care and the best home we can.  We are so focused on meeting their needs, and their wishes that it is easy to forget our own.

I am not be-moaning how all-consuming parenthood is.  Clearly I love it or I wouldn’t have 3!  I am wanting the mothers out there that also feel tired, consumed, guilty, joyful, in wonder, in love, protective, and proud to know that they are not alone.  That these are ALL normal and ok.  Many days you will feel like a supermom: happy about how your day went with your kids, proud of how you are parenting, joyful about the gift of parenthood, honoured to have such delightful children and to be walking this path – to be learning and growing with them.  There will be other days that don’t feel so good – a good friend wrote a blog called Regroup  that I could relate to in many ways!  I love reading other moms writings – when they are honest and open about the hard times or the transformation that occurs after we have children: Rebirth: What We Don’t Say

I think it’s important to rejoice together to share the beautiful moments with one another, and also to be honest and open about the struggles.  Don’t carry around guilt about needing time on your own or about the “bad mom” days.  Forgive yourselves and know you are  not alone on this winding path.

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